Something I Wrote, Part 2: "Bread Crumbs" Comedy Sketch

Don't ask.

Last week I showed you a comedy sketch that I'd written. This week I'll show you another comedy sketch I've written.

The difference between the two is that last week's sketch, "The Eye Has It," has been performed — more than once, with different players — and has gotten laughs in both rehearsal and performance. It's usually my go-to piece when someone wants to review a sample of my comedic work.

The sketch I'm about to present has resulted in odd looks and nervous laughter during the couple of rehearsals and classes in which I've unleashed it. It has never been performed live.

I once took a sketch-writing class with Ian Roberts, who was in the core Upright Citizens Brigade quartet when Amy Poehler was just another underground improv comedienne. (When I took the class, I believe she was just a "featured player" on SNL.)

I considered it an honor to be in a class taught by Roberts, but he seemed rather depressed most of the time when he taught our class. He did give great criticism of our work, but the sketch I'm presenting today completely stumped him. He said that he honestly didn't know what to say about it.

I also brought it out for a comedy-writing class I took with D.B. Gilles, a great writing teacher from NYU and author of books including The Screenwriter Within. His criticism of the sketch, as far as I remember, resulted in a very heated argument between us. I can't remember why, nor do I blame him.

Anyway, I bet you can't wait to read it, right? Here goes! (I should also mention that Mrs. The Anthony Show hates it more than anything I've ever written, and that includes letters to all my ex-girlfriends she discovered the night before we married.)

Bread Crumbs

Two men, "A" and "B," seated. We catch "A," who speaks a little
fatherly if not downright patronizingly, at the end of a
long explanation.

    A
  ...so you see, young man, that’s what 
  we mean by "bread crumbs."
    
    B
  Now, you’re telling me that this is a 
  kind of bread.
    
    A
  Yes, young man.
    
    B
  But if I made a sandwich with it--
    
    A
  It would be a pretty "crummy" sandwich! 
  Ha, ha, ha.
    
    B
  You've lost me there with all that 
  technical jargon.
    
    A
  Look, young man--
    
    B
  So it’s a kind of bread.
    
    A
  Yes, young man.
    
    B
  But you can’t make a sandwich out of it.
    
    A
  No, young man.
    
    B
  So I can’t toast it?
    
    A
  No, you--
   (a revelation!)
  Wait! That’s it! Let’s say you’re 
  making toast.
    
    B
  With "bread crumbs"?
    
    A
  No, with regular bread.
    
    B
  White or wheat?
    
    A
  It doesn’t matter. You make your 
  toast, but they come out burnt.
    
    B
  I’d throw them away.
    
    A
  Perhaps, but in this case you’ll keep them.
    
    B
  Oh, this is a metaphor!
    
    A
  Uh...yes, a metaphor. You burn the 
  toast, but you don’t want to throw 
  them away.
    
    B
  I could always make more.
    
    A
   (testy)
  You’ve run out of bread...
    
    B
  I’ll use a hot dog bun.
    
    A
  ...and the power’s gone out. You’ve 
  burned the toast and you want to keep 
  them…
    
"A" looks at "B" to challenge him again. "B" gives a gesture 
that says, "go on." "A" continues.
    
    A (cont)
  ...so you take a knife and you scrape 
  off the burnt part.
    
    B
  Yes, but if you do that you’ll make a 
  mess from the crumbs of bread--
    
"B" quickly looks at "A," who nods and points to his nose.
    
    B (cont)
  BREAD CRUMBS! That’s it! I understand 
  now! Thank you so much!
    
    A
  Young man, I’m so proud of the progress 
  you’ve made.
    
    B
   (a moment to digest this, then:)
  So if those are bread crumbs, then what 
  the hell are croutons?
    
    A
  Well, you see, croutons...
    
And as "A" starts to explain, LIGHTS OUT.

    THE END