Lists of Lists, Volume 2

Who are you, The Anthony Show?

Here we go with another set of lists to list the things I've listed. Because you've been a loyal reader of The Anthony Show, and you've wondered to yourself, and perhaps to others as well, "Wow, that The Anthony Show is quite an interesting person with his tales of minor drug use and elementary school fistfights. But when are we going to learn more about The Anthony Show, the person?"

Well, let's get to it!



THINGS THAT ARE IN MY KITCHEN THAT I HAVE REFRAINED FROM EATING DURING THIS LENTEN SEASON AND WHICH I WOULD LIKELY HAVE EATEN IF I WEREN'T TRYING TO GIVE UP CERTAIN SWEETS FOR LENT

Verboten!

1. Oreos
2. My-T-Fine chocolate pudding I made for Mrs. The Anthony Show
3. My-T-Fine vanilla pudding I made for Mrs. The Anthony Show
4. My-T-Fine butterscotch I made for Mrs. The Anthony Show
5. The brownies I baked from a Ghirardelli mix that are like really really good and the reason that the batch lasted almost a week and not a mere two hours is because I forbade myself to devour them
6. Any candy appearing in my house thanks to goody bags from my kids' friends' birthday parties

I've been trying to cut down on my sugary foods for Lent, including soda. I allowed myself a couple of exceptions that kind of cheapen the sacrifice, but still, it hasn't been easy. Every time I pass one of the office candy machines, I can hear the Snickers and Twix bars begging me to release them from their coiled shackles. Also I really wanted to eat that damn pudding.

THINGS I DID EAT (AND WHY THEY WERE EXCEPTIONS TO THE "DON'T EAT THAT JUNK FOOD DURING LENT" RULE)

Permitted!

1. The Rice Krispies treats I made from Cocoa Krispies with my son (on the grounds that I made them from scratch)
2. Lots of animal crackers (they're kinda of plain, though I grant that they are sweet, and I shouldn't be eating them by the fistful from the giant tub Mrs. The Anthony Show bought at Costco)
3. The banana bars I baked (because I made them from scratch)
4. A large bowl of Lucky Charms with the marshmallows picked out beforehand (I removed the marshmallows)

I enjoy the non-marshmallow parts of Lucky Charms, those plain but slightly sweetened bits that resembled Cheerios that were arrived in the world with severe birth defects. I removed all the marshmallows from my bowl and squeezed them together in my hand, and it resembled a ball of melted crayons, and was probably just as good for your health.

CHORES AROUND CASA DE LA THE ANTHONY SHOW THAT I PERFORM ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY

1. Laundry (mainly so I can wash my compression socks)
2. Filling, running, and emptying the dishwasher
3. Snow removal and grass maintenance
4. Putting the trash bags from the house into the garbage cans outside
5. Bringing the garbage cans to the curb
6. Returning the cans to the side of the house (usually within four days of garbage pickup)

Do you like how I turned "doing the garbage" into three separate tasks in order to pad the list?

THE CHORES PERFORMED ALMOST EXCLUSIVELY BY MRS. THE ANTHONY SHOW

1. Everything else

WAYS I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY INJURED OR NEARLY INJURED MY CHILDREN AND I ASSURE YOU THESE WERE ALL ACCIDENTS, NOT COVERED-UP INSTANCES OF ABUSE

1. One time when Son of The Anthony Show was around 2 years old, he rolled off the changing table even though Mrs. The Anthony Show and I were both there (it was one of those "I thought you were watching the table" situations). He landed right on his back without injuring any limbs or his head, and he just had the wind knocked out of him.
2. The boy was probably close to 3 and I was holding him during a peaceful prayer before bedtime, and for no reason whatsoever he chomped down on my trapezius muscle, the pain of which made me not exactly drop him, but "plop" him onto the floor. He was more scared than injured, and trust me, I was more hurt than he was.
3. I lifted up Daughter of The Anthony Show, who was probably 2 or 3 at the time, in the kitchen. I gave her one of those "up in the sky" pickups but something prevented me from picking her up as high as I'd planned. She wasn't crying or anything, but I looked up and noticed that I was standing directly under the moving ceiling fan, and the speed of the fan combined with the speed of my lift made the blade more of a low ceiling rather than a propeller worthy of that scene in the first Indiana Jones movie.

If you don't have kids, you probably are wondering how I have any children left. If you do have kids, you're probably thinking, "Meh, that's not so bad. Let me tell you about the time I started the dryer and didn't know where little Jimmy was, and then thinking, 'I didn't throw a pair of sneakers in the dryer' when..."