Arresting Entertainment, Part 2

G4 = GGGG = COPS

This is sort of a follow-up to yesterday's post on my absurd love of COPS, but it will probably veer into other subjects. I hope that's not a problem.

So anyway, I ended yesterday's post by mentioning that a co-worker turned me on to the G4 channel. I always knew that G4 was there at channel 191 (I have Verizon FIOS), but it was never really in my orbit of surfing, which is usually this:

• 502-511, the "regular" channels
• 746 then back to 230-233, channels with uncut movies (not counting AMC), a rarity since we've cheaped out on the premium movie channels
• 570s for sports, though I'm not watching much these days because I just get reminded how people half my age are making a million times my salary
• 650-664, because I'm addicted to the shopping networks and the Food Network, and I'm comfortable enough with my own masculinity to admit this

G4 has a lot of original programming, but I show up for the three-hour COPS marathons. They're COPS-tastic. It was while watching G4 that I learned about two other shows that are full of awesomeness. The first one is...


I MAJORED IN TELEVISED HUMILATION

America, meet your future.

...Campus PD, otherwise known as "COPS goes to college." If I were a college student or recent graduate watching this show, I'd probably be rooting against the university police for being such a wet blanket when the kids are just trying to blow off some steam while getting the education that will help them become productive members of society.

But now that I'm old, "fun" is just something that SpongeBob and Plankton sing about, I drink alone, and I'm up after 1am only when one of the kids are sick, so I am totally like, Bust those overprivileged co-eds!

(Who am I kidding? I probably would've been rooting for the cops back then, too.)

Most of what happens on Campus PD is related to drinking, binge-drinking, and gorge-drinking. I'll admit, and I once touched on in a previous blog post that I will have to continue at a later date, that I did drink while I was under 21, but I don't think I had the sense of drunken entitlement that is in the inebriated makeup of These Damn Kids Today. Unlike the perps on COPS — and most adults like myself — many of the college kids on Campus PD still have the attitude that being a wiseass to a police officer is good idea, so I enjoy watching them make fools of themselves.

After a while, though, Campus PD becomes monotonous, because the episodes just don't have the variety of COPS; every broken-up house party starts to look the same. The thing that Campus PD does have in its favor: I'd rather see drunk co-eds than toothless crack whores.

THIS SHOW IS NOT ABOUT USING LOADED DICE WHILE PLAYING "MONOPOLY"

See how concerned Joey Greco is!

And then there's Cheaters. I'd heard of Cheaters when it was showing up on another network (UPN, I think), but I didn't pay much attention to it until it started appearing as the other slice of bread in the COPS-Campus PD-Cheaters programming-block sandwich.

Cheaters brings a different kind of "my life sucks, but their lives suck even more" pleasure to my life. Here's the deal: if you think your significant other is treating you insignificantly enough to hook up with other people, you call the show, and they'll tail the boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and even plant a hidden motion-detecting camera in your abode to catch the cheater red, er, handed. All the while there's some smarmy voiceover, like: [during grainy footage of the cheater making out with someone at a restaurant] "Looks like Jill and her new friend had a little more than ice cream in mind when they ordered dessert."

After a few scenes like that, the poor guy/gal — who at the beginning of the episode tapes a sad intro along the lines of "Jill has been really distant lately...I think there's a chance she might be cheating on me...I really hope she's not" — is shown the video of Jill going to movies with, eating ice cream from the spoon of, and eventually banging her trainer by the (current) host, Joey Greco, who combines the compassion of the computer that beat all those Jeopardy contestants with the warmth of Morton Downey, Jr.

Then, Joey Greco and cuckold drive in the Cheaters van to confront the cheater, who happens to be in the act of cheating. This is great TV. The cheater is all, "I'm not cheating" and Joey Greco is like, "We got video" and the cuckold is all "I'm gonna kill you!" to the guy she's been cheating with and finally someone says to Joey Greco, "Who the hell are you?" and Joey Greco's all like, "I'm Joey Greco from Cheaters" as if that's supposed to mean something.

To be honest, though, I usually DVR the show and fast-forward to the confrontations. An extra bonus is when the cuckold learns that the cheater is cheating with someone who is the same gender.

THEY SHOULD PUT A G4 BUTTON ON MY REMOTE
When I'm finally able to wrench control of the TV from my kids every night, I now hit up the G4 channel first. There are a number of other shows on G4 which I don't watch but about which I have half-baked opinions, and I have a number of observations about the channel itself, but those, my friends, are for another post.