Facebook Needs an "Adjustment"

YOU might be able to ignore all those postage-stamp-sized ads running along the right-hand column of most Facebook pages, but dammit, they catch my eye like someone's firing toothpicks laced with Frank's Red Hot into my philtrum.

Guess what else F stands for?

After a while, you start to see the same rotations of ads, even if you delete them, like those dipshits who claim to have bought iPads for $1.98 and would love to share the information with you if you "Like" their site and allow them to spam-rape your friends' Facebook accounts. The worst sets of ads, the ones that drive me into a rage with the heat of a thousand hot-sauce-laced toothpicks, are the chiropractor ads.

SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE CHIROPRACTORS
I'm not here to bash chiropractors, particularly because most have done a lot of good for their patients, and also because there are plenty of people who have already done a better chiropractor-bashing job than I could. Besides, I have a very good friend and an adequately good brother who are both chiropractors.

That's gotta hurt.

Also note that I wouldn't have (as much of) a problem with these ads if the message were something like "Does your back hurt? Dr. Steve is here to help!" However, all of these ads appear to be not about chiropractors, but directed to chiropractors in order to attract and retain business. And there's something about that assumption, that there are so many chiropractors on Facebook that it requires a shotgun blast of ads in order to reach them all, that really sticks in my craw. (And I hate having to unclog my craw.)

Which brings me to...

NOT TONIGHT, HONEY, I HAVE A HEADACHE LETTER

That giant arrow's gonna
make the headache worse!

The first time I noticed the chiropractor ads was when I started seeing notices for something called The Headache Letter. The first ads I saw regarding this were written with no context — something like "Do you use The Headache Letter for your business?" — and I was like, "What the hell is The Headache Letter? What business? The aspirin business?" Later ads about the The Headache Letter finally contained enough information for me to conclude it was about chiropractic, and that the The Headache Letter was some kind of marketing sales tool thing, some sort of magic spell that inflicted low back pain and kyphosis to whatever souls were unfortunate enough to encounter the The Headache Letter.

I borrowed an Internet from a friend of mine and used a Google or two to find an example of a The Headache Letter:

HEADACHE Letter #2: subject line: Neck Pain QUIZ & the TRUTH about ICE! [note: I really ADORE the Random CAPITALIZATION!]

Hi. Dr. Chris Tomshack here. I hope you’re feeling better after doing the Tennis Ball Trick I showed you in the last e-letter. If not, don’t worry, this next letter uses a tried and true remedy for relief—but first, a little quiz to see how best to help you:

Question #1: When you cough or sneeze, does it feel like your head will explode?

Question #2: Does your neck feel like it’s going to “break” when you get up in the morning?

Question #3: Does the pain move around so it’s hard to figure out where it’s coming from?

Question #4: Is there any sharp pain in your face, shoulder, arm or hand?

Question #5: Have you had the pain before? Is there any numbness with it?

If you answered “yes” to 1 or more of the above questions, what I’m going to explain next may help—but it’s only a temporary fix—though STILL worth doing. The real solution is Chiropractic and Progressive RehabTM—our combination approach that doesn’t just cover up your pain, but deals with muscles, spine, nerves, tendons ligaments and balance.

I answered YES to all those questions, but I can trace the sensations of cranial Armageddon to the moment I began viewing that The Headache Letter. But I will try The Tennis Ball Trick with Mrs. The Anthony Show on our anniversary.

The Headache Letter sort of faded from my Facebook ad feed, but lately I've been bombarded with a parade of ads that are sad, desperate, insulting, and annoying all at the same time. Kind of like this blog.

AND NOW, ON TO THE ADS

	I'd like to meet a chiropractic rockstar. He could adjust his drummer's back during the guitar solo. And there's nothing that says "honest business practices" like lotsawordsinaURL.com.
	This one is kind of boring, I'll admit. But calling yourself "The Worlds's [sic] #1 Site for Online Chiropractic CEUs"? Can you verify that? Is there like a top ten list of Sites for Online Chiropractic CEUs? Are they ranked by J.D. Power? Are you sure there's not a better Site for Online Chiropractic CEUs in, say, Belarus?
	Wait! Why are you telling me DO NOT CLICK HERE? Isn't that the point of an ad? To get me to click there? Oh, ha ha ha, you're using reverse psychology. Next you'll say that you're gonna give me spondylolisthesis!
	Assuming the chiropractors use this thing, I don't know what this machine is, nor do I know what "Free Radical damage" is, other than what happened to people who watched the movie Hair. I also don't know why the word "score" is in quotes.
	Ten bucks says that that's not what Dr. Altadonna looks like.
	This ad is even more boring than that other one, so boring that the headline just gave up and registered ellipses before it could finish, but somehow 1,155 people like it, meaning it has 1,153 more fans than this blog.
	Oh, you again, Mr. Long URL. This is one of my favorites because it seems to have been put together with a Mad Lib generator. Tattoo Artist: OK, we finished tattooing HOPE on your fingers. Long URL Guy: Hey, while that needle-machine thing is still on, can you tattoo the number 5 on my thumb? But sideways, so it's right-side-up when I make a fist. This will help me attract more patients to my chiropractic business, as well as generate more invitations to all of life's parties.
	This one, like the previous ad, has a weird feature that's shared with some other chiropractor ads: the question mark in the headline, even though it turns a normal headline into a query from Cookie Monster. ("What you got, chiropractors? Chiropractors got hope? Chiropractic banana?") If the headline just read "Chiropractic Banana," I'd have been like, "That doesn't make any sense." But with a question mark, it's like you've been given a clue on the old game show Password: Me: (reads password card) Uh...chiropractic banana? Rip Taylor: (considers this thoughtfully, then:) I'll be walking funny for a week! Whoo hoo! (tosses confetti in the air, sashays off the set)