Our Savior Died for Ed Burns, Not His Movies

What are you looking at, Frodo?
They shoulda called it
ASS Wednesday, amirite?

Today is Ash Wednesday. I planned to start my blog today, but I'm actually two days ahead of schedule. So, I got that going for me.

Did you know that Ed "Edward" Burns has written/directed ten movies? Hard to believe! I am certainly not one who would believe that, except my blog's best friend, Wikipedia, told me so!

I had assumed that by the time he released 2001's Sidewalks of New York — which I haven't seen but whose only redeeming value has to be the appearance of Dennis Farina, only like one of my favorite actors of all time — that his career as a writer/director was on the ropes. I also assumed that after Ash Wednesday came out a year later, he was finished.

(Sure, he still gets acting and modeling gigs and he married Cristy Turlington, not bad consolation prizes.)

TURNS OUT I WAS WRONG
Yes. Because Ed (or Edward, as that poster above reminds us) went on to make five more films, meaning — if Burns retired today — Ash Wednesday would be the last film of the first half of his career!

What were the other films he made? Something called Looking for Kitty in 2004, which I'd never heard of; it got a C- grade from the AV Club, which noted that

propelled by his over-praised 1995 indie hit The Brothers McMullen, Burns has continued to cram one-dimensional characters into thinly plotted comedy-dramas, hoping to re-impress moviegoers with his aloof leading-man charm and faux-natural, trying-too-hard-to-be-funny dialogue.

In 2006 he made The Groomsmen, which I think I do vaguely remember; it starred Brittany Murphy. She died three years later. (Make whatever correlation you'd like.)

Next came 2009's The Lynch Pin, which made such an indelible mark on the popular-culture landscape that it didn't even get its own Wikipedia page.

Last year he released something called Nice Guy Johnny, which was notable only because he billed himself third, instead of as the lead.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO ASH WEDNESDAY
This was the movie that Elijah Wood made around the time the Lord of the Rings trilogy began. I don't have the shooting schedules for the films, but I'm assuming that Wood finished the Burns film and then fled to Middle Earth. This is what the New York Times had to say:

As a director, writer and actor, Edward Burns never seems to tire of depicting his own sensitivity. ... This time Mr. Burns is trying something in the Martin Scorsese street-realist mode, but his self-regarding sentimentality trips him up again.

The most telling piece of trivia about this movie comes from its own Wikipedia page:

The film was only released in two theaters and grossed less than $3,000.

That had to be a joke, I thought, some sort of Wikipedia-graffiti prank from someone who hates Ed Burns more than I do...but sure enough, according to Box Office Mojo:

This means that how many people actually paid to see this thing? Fewer than 400? That's fewer than the number of people in my high school graduation class.

So there you have it for Ash Wednesday and Ash Wednesday. I suppose Ed Burns atoned for that film, since he's got Christy Turlington and all. If he were still being punished, he'd be married to Naomi Campbell.