Arresting Entertainment, Part 1

What is it that you plan on doing in the event
they appear and ask you to accompany them?

You reach a certain point in your life — that is, I reach a certain point in my life — when you notice certain changes in your behavior. Suddenly, Fun Dip is no longer fun. There's a growing desire to drink on weeknights. And, shockingly, Cops (or the all-caps COPS) is must-see TV.

It's not the kind of show that I've been forced into viewing because of the changing demographic of my household, which has caused a ratings spike in such entertainments as Wipeout or America's Funniest Home Videos of Crotch Shots and Related Tragedies. Maybe it's because I don't go out as much as I used to on Saturday nights, and the 8pm-9pm time slot is part of the "holy crap the kids are finally in bed" downtime before Mrs. The Anthony Show and I decide what we're going to do with the remaining 12.5 percent of our day, and COPS is the perfect show for vegging.

But damn I love this show. I don't understand why...

HA HA I'M LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S NOT ME
An obvious part of it is the fact that I’m living through some tough times, so a little schadenfreude is welcome appetizer on the Menu of Life. There’s no better tonic for a "my life sucks" malaise then to see what it means to truly screw yourself up.

WHICH ONE IS TONY SOPRANO AGAIN?
It might also be because I'm at the age where with a few exceptions (Breaking Bad, most of Mad Men, and every episode of Lost prior to the finale) I don't have the brain power to follow complicated storylines, multi-episode plot arcs, and rotations of complicated characters. COPS gives you everything in a five-minute spot:

• We meet the police officer and get his life story in about 30 seconds. It goes like this: "Blah blah cop for 9 years blah blah cop blah blah I love being a cop blah blah coppity cop cop."
• Uh-oh! Something's happening! Let's check it out!
• Someone gets pulled over.
• Drama between the cop and the guy who's been pulled over.
• A resolution: warning, jail, or taser.

There are other kinds of episodes, of course. Sometimes there's a female cop. Sometimes the person in trouble isn't in a car. He could be on foot, or pedaling a bike, or riding a stolen ostrich. But there are a few things I've learned, after watching so many episodes.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THAT CAR THIEF, JERRY, BEFORE IN MY LIFE

"I just like the video game! The
parts where you HELP people!"

People on COPS tend to drive cars that happen to be stolen, but they claim that they don't know the cars are stolen.

"Where'd you get this car?" the cop will ask.

"From a friend," the guy will say.

"What's his name?"

"I don't know his name."

I must have the wrong kinds of nameless friends, because few would ever let me borrow their cars for a leisurely cruise around town, and none would ever just give me a vehicle, no questions asked. Maybe I need to work my Facebook friend-finder a little harder.

OH, WE SWAP PANTS ALL THE TIME — IT'S PART OF OUR GANG INITIATION
People on COPS tend to end up with drugs in their pockets, but they have no idea how the drugs got into their pockets. "Those ain't my drugs," the guy will say, as if the cop will reply, "Really? Then let me take these handcuffs off so you can help me find the real owner of this methamphetamine."

We are to assume that the drugs appeared in their pants as part of a prank pulled by the same friends, whose names no one knows, who have been lending out their cars.

WHICH IS WHY I CALL MY KIDS "THE LITTLE FELONS"
I have noticed that being a cop, at least in the episodes of COPS that I watch, is a lot like being a parent.

• The cop has to deal with repeat offenders who have no reasonable explanation for their behavior.
• The cop has to maintain his professionalism and dignity, just as a parent is supposed to remain calm, during a confrontation with a suspect/child. (Of course, like the occasional parent, the cop will sometimes snap because he can't put up with a suspect's crap anymore. I haven't seen that episode of COPS yet, however.)
• The cop and the parent know that the suspect/child is lying to them, even though the suspect/child is believably believing his own lies. 
• And the cop, like the parent, knows that even if every mess can be cleaned up by the end of the shift, everything's going to be messed up by the next day.

IF THIS WERE MAD MAGAZINE, THIS PART WOULD BE "THINGS WE WISHED THEY SAID ON COPS"
I don't even know why they bother with the brief "Let's meet the cop driving his car" setup, since that portion of the show is always the same. You never hear the cop say something like:

• "I prefer to work 12-hour shifts, because I cannot stand my friggin' wife."
• "If I weren't doing this, I'd be a pastry chef."
• "The police chief is an asshole."
• "First guy that looks at me funny and BLAM! Swiss-cheese-face time!"
• "Sometimes when we're arresting someone, I wanna just like pull my gun on the other cops and be like, 'Dude, you're free! You're freeeeeee!"
• "I don't turn on the flashing lights because they give me seizures."
• "I'm about to head over to assist Officer Jenkins with a traffic stop. That Officer Jenkins, well, I'm banging his old lady."
• "Working the night shift means I have to remember to DVR tonight's Grey's Anatomy."
• "You might recognize me from an episode of COPS from a few seasons ago. That time, I was a drug dealer."
• "I don't use a breathalyzer on the women I pull over. I just make out with them."
• "And I've been trying to tell the district attorney that I'm offering my psychic abilities to determine the guilt or innocence of the people I arrest."
• "I'm really glad I've got a cameraman in the car with me because the truth is, I'm scared of the dark."
• "Eleven more years till my pension...eleven more years till my pension...eleven more years..."
• "Ask me how I'm 'hard' on crime. Come on, ask me! ASK ME!"
• "All the animals come out at night — whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets."

ALL COPS ALL THE TIME! COPS COPS COPS COPS
Despite my love of COPS, I never went out of my way to watch it. If we had something better to do during the Saturday night COPS hour, it was no big deal.

No big deal, that is, until a co-worker turned me on to the G4 channel, where they sometimes run four-hour COPS blocks...but that is for another blog post. CAN YOU CONTAIN YOURSELF UNTIL THEN?