Penny-Wise and Pound-Retarded

Those vertical lines are starting
to look like prison bars.

Do you keep complete track of all your finances and diligently track and prioritize your expenditures? If so, congratulations! I now hate you with the irrational venom I usually reserve for someone like Ed Burns or any number of people in whose honor I drink the Haterade and will blog about in the future. 

If you're like me — and I mean that in a good way — you find yourself throwing away money on what Harvard economists classify as "crap," while refraining from purchasing the things that you actually need. I connect this behavior to the my inability to finish many/most/all of the things I begin, whether it's the half-assed paint job in the stairwell or that garage that never seems to get completely de-cluttered.

And I simply endure the inconvenience that these situations create, such as having to see blue masking tape that has lined some of my basement moldings since 2003, because I'm either lazy or cheap or (most likely) live most of my conscious moments in a miasma of denial.

And yet...


HOW DOES FOUR BUCKS IN A CUP TASTE?
...I still buy lattes. Tea is my hot caffeinated beverage of choice, and I drink regular coffee with reluctant regularity, but I do enjoy the latte enough to endure the self-loathing that crowns my drink along with the foam that I've asked the cheery but absentminded barista to withhold.

Anyway, here's a list of things I've neglected to buy, all the while ready to jump at the opportunity to blow my cash binging on overpriced cheese fries at Ruby Tuesday.

The thing I need to buy: A utensil basket for the dishwasher.

Why? This is why:

Like a trap door...for forks!

After several million washes, the hot water has apparently eaten through the rack. If you don't want the forks and knives and spoons to drop all the way down, making the bottom rack stuck and the utensils a royal pain in the ass to fish out, you have to move them toward the back (at the top, in the photo). The utensils now huddle together like petrified passengers on the sinking Titanic.


Estimated cost: Around 20 bucks. 

Why you no buy? Lazy or cheap? Lazy. I've just been dealing with the situation (though Mrs. The Anthony Show gets annoyed when she tries to load the thing), and I haven't been interested in using my precious little free time to hit the appliance parts store or Bed Bath and Beyond.

*     *     *

The thing I need to buy: A new kitchen garbage can.

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Why? The foot-pedal broke, rendering my SimpleHuman no longer Simple to use. Also, it's too small for the bags I use, so when it's full in the can, I pull out the bag, which is actually about two-thirds full, and just leave it next to the can until I fill it with enough additional crap so I don't kick myself for wasting garbage bags. How does a sad, almost-full garbage bag look when it's slumped over like the uncle who passed away in your easy chair two hours before anyone realized he had his third stroke? Not very Human.

Estimated cost: Maybe 40 or 50 dollars.

Why you no buy? Lazy or cheap? Mostly cheap. And I'm used to lifting the lid with my hand. And that Bed Bath and Beyond thing also applies here.

*     *     *

The thing I need to buy: New filters for my Brita thingy connected to the kitchen faucet.

Why? Because when the indicator light turns from green to red, it's time to change the filter. When it finally stops dispensing water three months after that, it's time to switch to good ol' unfiltered tap.

Estimated cost: $15 for one, I think.

Why you no buy? Lazy or cheap? Cheap. I feel like it's a waste to buy just one, when you can buy them in bulk for a less expensive per-unit cost, but I don't feel like adding a $50 charge to my Costco order, and that's my Catch-22. Some guy on the Interwebs suggests refilling the filters yourself, but I'd probably end up serving my family charcoal spritzers after that.

*     *     *

The thing I need to buy: New garbage cans. The outdoor kind.

Endangered species.

Why? Because all my lids are missing, which makes the side of my house an all-you-can-eat haven for squirrels and other vermin, including one of my neighbors. The cans also are beat up, lack wheels and handles, and are an overall blight on the neighborhood.

Estimated cost: Something like $30 a piece. Home Depot doesn't sell lids separately, and I've been unmotivated to buy them online.

Why you no buy? Lazy or cheap? Cheapy-cheap. I have a hard time parting with cash for something I'm going to throw garbage in. But I have a feeling I'll break down and spring for some new cans once the summer begins and I start to see the hovering parade of angry flies resembling a Libyan rebel mob above my cans when it starts to get really hot. Then I'll have to worry about how to throw out the old cans: I'll probably have to cut them up, because if I just put them out to the curb, the sanitation guys will think I'm throwing out invisible garbage.

*     *     *

The thing I need to buy: A power cord for my cellphone.

Why: The one I have is a little cracked. It charges the phone but my phone is no longer recognized when I try to move files to and from a computer.

Estimated cost: Probably some wince-inducing price like thirty bucks. OH WAIT I JUST CHECKED ONLINE AND IT'S ONLY $2.11 FOR THE PART I NEED MY GOD AM I REALLY THAT CHEAP?!