I Have Neither the Attention Nor the Patience for a Russian Bride

I am mistaken for him quite often.

I was going to mention the following e-mail in yesterday's post about crazy spam e-mails I've received, but it wasn't job-related.

Not all of my spam is worthy of a blog post, but every now and then I receive something that neither bores nor enrages me.

The following e-mail was found in my spam folder, and the "sender" was my own e-mail address, more evidence that spam would be more successful if the spammers did a little homework and assume that I wouldn't send myself an e-mail to buy erection pills or Russian brides, because why would I buy something from myself, other than to boost my eBay transaction score?

But anyway, on to the e-mail:

URGENCY IS ROMANTIC
The e-mail's subject line immediately informed me that we were taking a trip into Crazy World (Online Edition):

I ask attention and patience!

Don't we all want attention and patience? In my current state of life, this is a statement I should have blazoned on every shirt I own, so whenever my kids come within three feet of me with their latest insane requests, I can just point to the shirt.

(I don't even care that the 4-year-old can't really read yet. She'll eventually understand that "pointing to shirt" means "if it ain't life-or-death, shut up.")

I CAN TALK FOR HOURS ABOUT TIME-MACHINE STUFF
Maybe it's not spam at all, I considered before I opened the letter. Perhaps I really did send the e-mail to myself...from the future. Maybe I'm revealing the secret of life to myself, before it's too late and I alienate the few remaining folks who still talk to me! Or maybe Mrs. The Anthony Show is about to blazon that message on all her shirts, and future-me was just sending a heads-up.

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, MY PRIVATE E-MAIL ANSWERS YOU!
Here's the entire message, written by another graduate of The Borat School of Writing Promotional Copy:

my friend pop-eyed.
Our agency dating, gives individual real girls for acquaintances.
Here one of them. I from Russia, a city of brides.
ThisEkaterina. I 28 years, slavic externality.
It is curious to know me more.
You can answer, in my private E-mail: tinisperit@rediffmail.com
Answer me and you will see my photos as I wait for your new photos.
I hope our interests coincide, on the further communications with each
other.
new friendEkaterina.

A few observations:

• I have been addressed as many things over the years, but never as "my friend pop-eyed." Does "she" mean that my eyes are popping like in a Tex Avery cartoon because she's so hot, or is she calling me Popeye as a way to appeal to my vanity?
• I seem to recall that during the Perestroika era, Russia changed its slogan from "Russia: Land of Plenty" to "Russia: City of Brides."
• I'm definitely going to use one of these lines in case Mrs. The Anthony Show and I get divorced: "How come you guys broke up?" "Well, our interests did not coincide."

There was a link, and I took a chance by clicking it. This, allegedly, is my new friendEkaterina:

Twenty bucks says that's actually Brighton Beach.

Sure, I'd date her for her smokin' body, but I'd really marry her for her "slavic externality."