Shoulda Coulda Woulda, Part 1

So, like, what was that smoke monster again?

Loose ends. Unsolved mysteries. These are the things that can keep you up at night, or cause traffic accidents while dwelling on them as you navigate rush-hour traffic on the Long Island Expressway.

I don't mean broad enigmas like "Where is Jimmy Hoffa buried?" or "What the hell was Lost really about?"; I'm blogging about dilemmas of a personal nature, like:

• How different would my life had been if I'd accepted that job in Chicago?
• Why did Grace really break up with me?
• Why does my physical appearance resemble that of "Uncle" Fred more than of my father?

Eventually, some of these mysteries will be solved (hopefully before either Fred or your father is on his deathbed) and some won't (Grace's restraining order against you won't expire until 2075). Here's an example of one of the unsolved mysteries from my own life.

On "Crazy" Women, Part II

She wears the I LOVE PAUL button so John,
George, and Ringo don't get the wrong idea.

So anyway, I have some more things to say about so-called "crazy" women.

The question that inspired last week's post was, would I date a hot woman even if she were crazy, and I concluded that at my current age and level of life experience, I probably wouldn't. But you must also understand that the level of crazy that I attract far exceeds the level of hotness that I'd attract. In addition, I think these two characteristics are related, so that the hotter the woman I'd attract, the crazier she'd be.

It's fortunate that I didn't attract many women at all when I was in high school, because I would have probably ruined my young life while dating a crazy hot girl.

On "Crazy" Women, Part I

Yes, I know that Janet Leigh wasn't the
psycho, but I'd probably date her
anyway if she were.

Yesterday a female co-worker asked, "Would you be willing to date a very hot woman if she were crazy?"

Because it's hard for me to answering a question without first asking a question, I asked in reply, "Define crazy."

"She's calls you all the time, won't leave you alone, she's clingy, that sort of thing."

Because it's even harder for me to answer any question with brevity, the following is based on the answer I gave.

First of all, answering questions like these can be very difficult unless the answer is preceded by, to paraphrase the Sports Illustrated football writer Peter King, "I think I think." (The writer Peter King shouldn't be confused with the congressman Peter King, who displays a lot more certainty when he expresses his opinions. I don't actually say "I think I think," because I would sound crazy to talk like that, even though I might just start to include that phrase in my conversations from now on anyway, but the point that's taking me forever to make is that there are decisions about which you can only speculate, because you don't know how you'd actually react if you faced such a choice in real life.

In other words, I'm not in a position to date other women, and haven't been for than 13 years in a civil-contract sense, even longer in a Get-my-ass-whupped-if-I-went-out-with-another-woman sense. However, with all that in mind, here (finally!) is how I'd answer the question.

I Have Neither the Attention Nor the Patience for a Russian Bride

I am mistaken for him quite often.

I was going to mention the following e-mail in yesterday's post about crazy spam e-mails I've received, but it wasn't job-related.

Not all of my spam is worthy of a blog post, but every now and then I receive something that neither bores nor enrages me.

The following e-mail was found in my spam folder, and the "sender" was my own e-mail address, more evidence that spam would be more successful if the spammers did a little homework and assume that I wouldn't send myself an e-mail to buy erection pills or Russian brides, because why would I buy something from myself, other than to boost my eBay transaction score?

But anyway, on to the e-mail: