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| "Ohhhh...YEAH!" |
This one was actually performed a few times, and it usually went well, mainly because it's short. It began as a much longer version, but my writing teacher suggested I go in a slightly different (and shorter and better) direction.
In many ways I prefer the long version, but it's an example of a sketch that looks really great as I'm writing it (and perhaps as you're reading it), but when you rehearse it, it just doesn't work. The timing doesn't come through, and it drags in spots you weren't expecting.
But that's the difference between writing that's meant to be read and writing that's meant to be performed. Not every piece of writing works in both formats. I always wonder whether my novels, if I were ever to finish any of them, would be entertaining to read aloud if I were fortunate to hold a book reading/signing.
But before I'll ever know that, I'd have to actually complete a novel first. I know I just wrote that; I'm just emphasizing the fact that I have a number of unfinished novels.
So enjoy the finished version, and snap into a Slim Jim for our deceased ring hero. May you finally enjoy the company of Elizabeth, Macho Man.
INT. A STUDIO -- DAY
An ACTOR is onstage, holding a script.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
And...action!
ACTOR
Oh, excuse me. I don't mean to be a nuisance.
The DIRECTOR emerges.
DIRECTOR
What's up?
ACTOR
Here in the script I say the word "pull."
I believe the word "rip" would be stronger.
DIRECTOR
(mulling this)
I see that.
ACTOR
So could we make the change?
DIRECTOR
Absolutely.
ACTOR
Great.
The DIRECTOR starts to walk offstage when:
ACTOR (CONT)
Oh. I'm being a real pest here...
DIRECTOR
No, no, please.
ACTOR
We say the word "throat" twice. Redundant,
don't you think?
DIRECTOR
I'm glad you caught that.
ACTOR
I was thinking: first time, "throat"; second
time, "windpipe."
DIRECTOR
(admiringly)
"Windpipe." That works. Plus you'll have--
ACTOR
--alliteration with the word "whipped."
DIRECTOR
"Whipped windpipe." Yes.
ACTOR
Great. I'm ready to go.
DIRECTOR
All right, everyone! Places!
He walks offstage.
DIRECTOR (O.S.)
And...action!
ACTOR
(crazed and bloodcurdling)
Tonight at Wrestlemania I'm gonna rip out
your throat and shove it down your whipped
windpipe! Whooo! THE END |
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO -- DAY
A mean professional wrestler, KING MAYHEM, addresses the
camera. He is holding a folding chair in a menacing
fashion. He speaks angrily, in the manner of a villainous
character.
MAYHEM
This Saturday night at Wrestlepalooza,
I, King Mayhem, will defeat Mister
Goodbody and claim his championship belt.
His millions of pathetic fans will weep
uncontrollably as I stomp their hero all
over the ring. And after I take your
title belt, I'm gonna make you bow...
to the mayhem! And then...and then...
(his tone changes to something
more gentle and polite)
I'm sorry. I can't do this.
A DIRECTOR walks on stage.
DIRECTOR
What's wrong?
MAYHEM
This copy...it doesn't feel right.
DIRECTOR
You liked it when we showed you the
draft.
MAYHEM
On paper it looked fine, but it's
different when you read it out loud.
DIRECTOR
Seems OK when you read it.
MAYHEM
Isn't it a little heavy on the
exposition? Everybody knows that we're
meeting at Wrestlepalooza. I think it
takes too long to get to the heart of
what I'm trying to say.
DIRECTOR
Sigh. Fine.
(Calls to someone off stage.)
Let's try the other copy!
The DIRECTOR leaves. KING MAYHEM takes a moment to get into
his character, as if he were preparing to play Hamlet.
MAYHEM
(intimidating voice)
Mister Goodbody! Do you enjoy wearing
that championship belt? Well, enjoy it
while you can! Because in three days
I'm gonna enjoy tearing it off your
lifeless body when I'm through crushing
your measly existence. And you, and all
your pathetic fans, are gonna have to
bow...to the mayhem!
(gentle voice)
I don't know...
The DIRECTOR reemerges.
DIRECTOR
(encouraging)
It was good!
MAYHEM
Come on. I say "enjoy" in three
consecutive sentences. I sound like an
idiot.
DIRECTOR
It's a...a motif.
MAYHEM
A motif? A motif is based on a recurring
image or theme, not just repeating the
same word three times.
DIRECTOR
We can fix that. We'll say "like" instead
of the first "enjoy," and, uh, "relish"
on the third "enjoy."
MAYHEM
Hmm. I like that. And I have a question
about my catchphrase.
DIRECTOR
You mean...
(as a wrestler would say it)
"Bow...to the mayhem!"
MAYHEM
Yes. Do I really want people to bow?
If I'm "King Mayhem," I'd want something
more referential, like genuflecting.
DIRECTOR
"Genuflect...to the mayhem"?
MAYHEM
What do you think?
DIRECTOR
Doesn't exactly roll of the tongue.
MAYHEM
Yeah. I guess you're right. That was
dumb.
KING MAYHEM lets out a long SIGH.
DIRECTOR
What's wrong?
MAYHEM
I just feel so stupid. Messing up the
lines, idiotically tampering with my
catchphrase...
DIRECTOR
You are NOT stupid.
MAYHEM
Sigh. I don't know anymore...
DIRECTOR
Hey! When we all went out to dinner
after Grapplemania 7, who helped The
Detonator choose the correct wine with
his duck a l'orange?
MAYHEM
I did.
DIRECTOR
And who helped El Gigante Gringo
study to pass his citizenship exam?
MAYHEM
I did.
DIRECTOR
You see? You're just feeling a little
blocked. We all get that way sometimes.
Tell you what. Why don't you improvise
this one.
MAYHEM
Really? Are you sure?
DIRECTOR
Yes. Use your instincts, and I'm sure
we'll do fine.
MAYHEM
OK. I'll try.
The DIRECTOR leaves. KING MAYHEM really focuses this time.
MAYHEM
(really into it now)
A new reign is dawning this Saturday
night! Madison Square Garden will
witness a coronation of destruction as
I, King Mayhem, am crowned heavyweight
champion! And there's nothing that
Mister Goodbody can do to resist. You
cannot change repel the tides of history
in the making! Mister Goodbody will
enter a champion, but will leave a
casualty. I will take your pride,
your championship belt, and your fans!
And when I pin you and emerge victorious,
you, Mister Goodbody, along with the
thousands at the Garden and the
millions of fans at home, will
bow...TO THE MAYHEM!
The DIRECTOR reemerges.
DIRECTOR
That was brilliant!
MAYHEM
I feel great! My acting teacher would
be so proud of me. I found my motivation,
and all my choices were real! I wasn't
just some mindless neanderthal, some
one-dimensional cardboard character.
I was a living, breathing human with
honest emotions!
DIRECTOR
It was fantastic. But are you sure you
don't want to do another take?
MAYHEM
No way. I put it all out there. I'd
never be able to match it.
DIRECTOR
Ah. The problem is, the camera was out
of tape during that last take. Can you
do it just one more time?
MAYEM lifts the chair over his head, ROARS, then
slams it on the director's head.
THE END
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