In Soviet Russia, Jobs Apply for YOU!

This is your soul on job.

I want a job.

True, I already have a job, and bitching about your job in this economy is like complaining about the side effects of Viagra to a guy without any genitals, but my current state of employment pinches off morsels of my soul like a guy pulling pieces of monkey bread.

I had about 10 jobs since I graduated from college, and wherever I've been I always had this nagging feeling that somewhere, somehow, there's a better position out there for me.

(This professional-life attitude does not apply to my personal life. Mrs. The Anthony Show and I have been together [counting marriage and pre-marriage] for 20 years now — half my life — and if the cards I was dealt don't always turn up blackjack, I know when to hold on a pair of kings.)

(And if you can understand one of the worst metaphors ever, congratulations.)

BUT I DIGRESS
So anyway. I've got my resume circulating on a number of job sites, so whenever I receive an e-mail whose subject line seems to be related to a job opening, I get excited, then enraged when I discover that the "job" is some kind of spam.

"What do you mean, The Anthony Show?" Well, I'll show you...

OH YES, I DO REMEMBER APPLYING FOR "JOB K13034799376563"!
These days, as I've mentioned before, the subject lines for most spam appear to have been written by someone for whom English is a third language and who has also suffered severe head trauma, so my hopes aren't raised too high to begin with.

The typical spam has a subject line like this:

Job opening _ ID / K13034799376563.

Another tipoff arrives when you open the e-mail and notice that under the "To:" there's an e-mail address that's not yours, meaning you've been blind-copied with half of the Western Hemisphere. This particular e-mail is alleged to have been written by "Troy Berry," which sounds just a little more real than "Guy Incognito." Here's what "Troy Berry" has to say:

Good day.

“B International” - an unique engraving and design company
is pleased to offer you Product Manager position at Procurement Department.
We trust that your knowledge, skills and experience will be among our most valuable assets.

Should you accept this job offer, per company's policy you'll be eligible to receive the following beginning on your hire date.
Salary: Annual gross starting salary of $36,000, paid in monthly installments by your choice of check or direct deposit.
Performance Bonuses: Up to three percent of your annual gross salary, paid quarterly by your choice of check or direct deposit.
Benefits: full benefit package available after first two months of work.

Alas, "Troy Berry" can't even tempt me with this fake job, because I actually make more (not much more) than 36 grand at my current job. I do like that the business name is in quotes. Well played, "Troy Berry."

WHAT SAY YOU, ELIANA ROJAS?
"Eliana Rojas" sent me a similar e-mail:

Good day,

I am the representative of Genii Capital Group. Headhunter informed us that you are seeking for a work, that is why I would like to offer you an opportunity to take the vacancy of Supply Department Agent. Our company deals with post transfer around the world and now we are expanding a new staff to meet customers' requests. If you are goal-oriented, ready to work on the result, hard-working, we will be glad to consider you as a candidate for this post.

What I like about this one is that it's signed: "The Chief Manager." That's like saying you're the "Head Boss Guy."

WHUDDUP, KADEEM?

Turns out there really
was a Kadeem on this show.
And Sinbad!

"Kadeem Hurst" e-mailed me with a subject line of "Fresh job _ ID [number I don't feel like typing out]." I picture "Kadeem" as a guy on that Cosby Show spinoff, A Different World, who's always trying to hook up with Lisa Bonet (note: I have never watched A Different World) and would always say things like, "That's fresh!" or "That's so fresh!" or "That's freshtastic!"

"Kadeem" is offering me a job that somehow involves shipping packages — he gives a precise description by noting, "The types of the deliveries vary in a big spectrum of items, from garments - electronic accessories. The size may vary with an average of 30" x 8" x 11", and the weight - 21lbs."

The job pays a whopping 25 grand a year. Wherever these scammers are from, they need to be better versed in the standard of living in the United States. As well as the fact that I have a problem with packages with at least one dimension that exceeds 29 inches.


IN SOVIET RUSSIA, ADVANTAGE DESIGNS YOU!
"Melissa Strout" wants me to work for something called "Design Advantage, Inc." It's too bad that her e-mail sounds like a letter to the authorities from a kidnap victim who's developed Stockholm Syndrome:

How are you?
My name is Melissa Strout and I would like to speak with you about your
res.ume that you posted on the jo.b search
web site. At the moment we have a free vacancy of financial manager. And I
have already sent you two emails with
a jo.b description. If that email doesn't arrive in your inbox then please
check your spam or bulk folders. This position
does not require special skills and we offer you this vacancy. Please email
me back if you are interested or have any
questions.
Have a great day!

Sincerely,
Melissa Strout
web site: [ www.designadvantageinc.biz ]
corporate e-mail: job_seeking@designadvantageinc.biz

If you deign to visit the site, you'll meet some of the employees, including a guy listed as "Director," Michail Tihonov:

Wouldn't you love to ask this guy for a raise?

More than the expression on his face, which says "Severance pay is a bag containing your fingers which I lopped off with a cigar cutter," I'm drawn to those two Cold War-era phones on his desk for this obviously staged shot.

The site has a welcome message, which I believe was written by Yakov Smirnoff, fact-checked by Borat, and edited by Roberto Benigni:

Our company performs complex works on construction and furnish of objects of various types - apartments, cottages, office and industrial premises.
For this purpose people of set of trades work for us - architects, designers, civil engineers, assemblers, tilers, house painters, electroassemblers, masons, mechanics-sanitary technicians, glaziers, joiners.
All our employees have diplomas in the maximum special formation.
Thus we consider, that the present professionalism is first of all wide experience of work and desire constantly to be improved, not stopping on reached. However, themselves we shall not praise highly. Let for us our work speaks.

 There's also a picture of "Melissa Strout," listed under "Best Employers" [sic]:

How do you say "Hubba Hubba" in Belarusian?

I would like to see her diploma in "the maximum special formation"! Amirite, comrades?

MY RESUME = NUTJOB ATTRACTION
Alas, I did not apply for any of these fake, poverty-level-paying, potentially identity-thieving jobs. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side, and other times it's easier to just stay on your side and smoke a little grass to get through the day.