I Hope This Father/Son Activity Will CATCH ON

When he turns 7, I'll show him
how to hook up with cougars.

This weekend I experienced a father/son milestone: having a catch for the first time.

That's not to say Son and I haven't thrown things at each other in the past, but Saturday was the first time we had an official grab-the-glove, go-to-the-park, toss-the-ball-around event.

I wasn't the kind of dad-to-be who already picked out a glove and bat even before the kid was born, though watching some of Son's fellow 6-year-olds throw and hit like they're already ready to be scouted, I wonder whether I should have been reading up on how to adjust the kid's in utero pitching mechanics.

We went to this cozy, newly renovated park that contained a small playground area and a full-size little league field, with fresh grass and lines and everything. Son, who is on a little league team, wanted to take some practice swings, but

• We had only one ball
• He doesn't hit pitched balls very well yet

These two factors would create a situation with this formula...

m + h

x

Where:

• m =  missed swings, resulting in Son dropping the bat, scooping up the ball, and throwing it back to me, more times than not a throw that will not be accurate
• h = hit balls that will be fouls or squibs that go nowhere near me, resulting in the same activities required by m
• x = hit balls that roll perfectly back to me at the pitcher's mound

IT'S LIKE SPORTS IS SOME KIND OF SCIENCE!
Since dividing by zero is a mathematical impossibility, I didn't want to tempt some sort of rift in the space-time continuum with batting practice...at least until I'd brought a dozen balls to the field.

So...we had a catch instead. I didn't have a glove, and I haven't owned one in about 25 years, but it wasn't an issue because Son doesn't throw so hard. But I will have to purchase one, even if there are about 100 things I need that are more worthy of the 30 or 40 bucks that a mitt will cost, just so we can have a "true" catch and prove to the other people at the park that I'm truly committed to my kid excelling in sports.

STOP ME IF YOU HEARD THIS ONE A MILLION TIMES

Grumpy Old Man Alert.

I was a little surprised when I watched Son play and noticed that he needed a little work in his hitting, throwing, and fielding, but in yet another example of The Way Things Were When I Was A Kid, I realized that kids today — at least in our area — no longer leave their houses and spontaneously start up a game of Wiffle Ball or touch football or some other improvised game based on the dimensions of the field and the number of players.

I also had a slightly older brother who, in addition to a number of negative things I could blog about but probably won't because it would piss him off and I still fear his wrath, taught me the basic skills of baseball by dragging me onto the front lawn for a catch whether I wanted to have one or not.

(This was not nearly as bad as when he joined the wrestling team and needed me to help him polish his moves. Why the moves he executed on me were taken from professional wrestling and would never be allowed in a high school match, he never explained.)

I never played in a little league, mainly because I was a wuss about hitting and catching a "hard" ball, but in my neighborhood I was involved in almost-daily games of baseball (with a tennis ball) throughout the summer. Usually we played in the street, using chalk (taken from old sheetrock) to draw bases. Occasionally we used the side of a parked car as first base.

BACK TO THE WHOLE "TEACH HIM TO PLAY BALL WHILE HE'S STILL A FETUS" THING
I've realized that I'm already falling behind on my plan to turn my son into a professional athlete so he can earn enough money to support me during my old and feeble years. One of his teammates is able to hurl the ball from third base to first — almost everyone else one-hops it, at best — and I heard his dad mention that he had the kid in one-on-one training over the winter. This shocked me because:

• I didn't know you could get training on how to throw
• I didn't know you could get training on how to throw at such a young age

When I was a kid, you just practiced with your friends and hoped for some decent coaching. During our catch, I was trying to give a few pointers to the boy, but he was mostly annoyed with my banter. He did begin to grip the ball better, so at least I'd accomplished something.

But I won't consider my sport-coach-parenting a success until he's able to execute a figure-four leglock...

...on my brother.