Like Pulling Teeth, or, uh, Fixing Them

Right now, living alone, it's as if I'm not the father.

Last I blogged, a tooth that was bothering me for some time finally chipped on Sunday, my first full day living alone while the wife and kids relax (read: drive each other crazy) in Florida. On Monday I was able to secure an appointment with my dentist for the following day.

Unfortunately, the only time that I could snag was at 12:30pm, and smack-in-the-middle-of-the-day appointments usually mean I have to burn a personal day. But I was permitted the rare option of working at home, which meant I was kept company in the morning by Maury Povitch and his time-honored techniques of dispelling the ambiguity of disputed paternity. One of the episodes on this particular day was called, and I'm not kidding but I wish I was, "Your Baby Doesn't Have 12 Fingers...He Can't Be My Son!"

Spoiler alert: Mr. Dozenfingers was right.



After a couple of Maury episodes and, oh yeah, some work, I went to the dentist. The dental hygienist introduced me to the hygienist-in-training, a cute-in-scrubs-and-protective-dental-visor-thingy redhead who was going to watch the fun. (I will call her Red, because I don't know her name and it would have been awkward to ask.)

One of the things that Red observed was the X-ray that the hygienist took. Unfortunately for me, getting an image of the troubled molar required I bite down on that film thing that forces me to fight a gag reflex. Worse, instead of taking the photo right away, the hygienist spent what seemed like forever explaining to Red how the patient has to don lead-plated protection and then you walk outside the room to where you snap the photo and do you see the button no the other button well this is the button you press to take the photo yes you can press it right now no that's okay go ahead and so on and I started to feel as if I were ten seconds away from doing my best Bon Scott impression.

The X-ray was finally X-ecuted, and the dentist showed me the image:

I expertly highlighted where the chipped piece fell out.

To my temporary relief, I was told I wouldn't need to get the thing pulled. Instead, I'll be having a piece of porcelain added to complete what remains of the tooth. The reason the tooth cracked was due to a 30-year-old filling (that big white blob) that eventually weakened the tooth. On the plus side, the silver filling will be removed, so my mouth will like it's actually losing cavities.

I just wanted to be in and out of the office, but the dentist wanted to show me before-and-after examples of other patients' teeth, which meant I had to view slides that look like outtakes from a dental snuff film. I cannot unsee that oral holocaust that has scared me into flossing seventeen times an hour.

I was also relieved when I noticed I wasn't getting any Novacaine injection, but then I realized that today I'd be getting only the "temporary" fix. I could hear the hygienist behind me explaining to Red how to properly mix water with the powered adhesive that would bond the temporary cap:
"You want to add four drops of water...oh, that's too much water; now it's too runny...now add more paste...a little more paste..."

What was finally produced smelled as acrid as the Testors glue we used as kids when we built plastic models of cars and planes. Then, once the dentist applied it to my tooth, it smelled like those plastic models when the melted after we set them on fire.

I CAN'T BLAME THIS ON OBAMACARE
The temporary tooth felt pretty good, as far as a temporary tooth can feel good. I was delighted when the receptionist told me that I owed just $5.80 for the visit. In the same breath, however, she told me that the estimated portion I'd owe for the real deal I'd be getting in three weeks would be about $519.

This made me wonder how long the temporary tooth would last. Even if I had to get it replaced four times a year, it would be the year 2035 before I spent as much on the real thing, and by then they'll have invented an app that'll chew my food for me, rendering teeth obsolete.

Of course, it'll be an iPhone-only app and I'll still be using an Android phone.