Lists of Lists, Sports Edition

I hate you and your lazy eye, Breck Girl.

It's been a while since I last posted, so let me do a set of lists to get back into the swing again.

One of the biggest surprises people experience after they know me for a while is the fact that I'm very interested in professional sports. I don't know why this is such a surprise. Perhaps I exude such snobbish arrogance that it's assumed that sports are beneath me, or if I were to discuss sports, I'd sound like George Will.

But I do enjoy watching (and when my aging soft decrepit body allows, playing) sports. I also have some strong opinions about them, many of which I can put into a list format that would satisfy the "Lists of Lists" categorization with which I titled this post.



TEAMS THAT I WILL ROOT FOR, KNOWING THAT SOME TEAMS ON THIS LIST WILL PLAY EACH OTHER, WHICH WILL MAKE ME HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH TEAM I WILL ROOT FOR MORE

1. New York Yankees
2. New York Mets
3. New York Giants
4. New York Jets
5. Buffalo Bills
6. New York Knicks
7. New York Islanders
8. New York Rangers

I'm pretty easygoing when it comes to the local teams. When I was younger, I rooted mostly for the Yankees, and I despised the Mets during their "Let's Go" success in the 1980s. But now I've mellowed a bit and can't find myself really hating on any New York team. I went to college in Buffalo and endured three of the Bills' Super Bowl losses up there, so I still have a soft spot for them.

I have found myself rooting against a few of the teams on that list, however, mostly due to my hatred of certain ownership decisions. When it comes to overall athletic support, when a player or team I like does well, my pleasure is usually limited. Sure, when Derek Jeter knocked his 3,000th hit over the wall at Yankee Stadium, I was happy for the guy, but these days it's hard for me to emotionally commit to a guy who earned more money that day ($20 mill divided by 162 games) than I will in more than a decade.

Hating on other players and teams is a lot easier. And I certainly do hate. Sometimes when I watch a game, I have to decide which the team I hate less. My hate is sometimes based on who happens to be on the roster at the time, but there are some teams that I historically hate, no matter what.

TEAMS THAT I HISTORICALLY ABSOLUTELY TRULY HATE FOR NO SCIENTIFIC REASON OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT I HATE THEM, KNOWING THAT SOME TEAMS ON THIS LIST WILL PLAY EACH OTHER, WHICH WILL MAKE ME HAVE TO CHOOSE WHICH TEAM I WILL HATE MORE

1. Boston Red Sox
2. Atlanta Braves
3. Miami Dolphins
4. New England Patriots
5. Philadelphia Eagles
6. Washington Redskins
7. Dallas Cowboys
8. Oakland Raiders

It's mostly the division rivals of the teams I like, plus the Raiders, who I just hate. And back in 1986, I actually rooted for the Red Sox (a team I didn't really hate so much back them) against the Mets. Alas, Bill Buckner let me down. At least I didn't bet on the games, which I did (much to my regret) on Super Bowls during elementary school.

SUPER BOWLS I BET ON AND LOST

1. Super Bowl XV
2. Super Bowl XVI
3. Super Bowl XVII

Back then I knew very little about professional football. My father didn't watch sports, so we didn't watch football on Sundays. One kid in my neighborhood once taunted that the only position I knew was quarterback, and he was right. I did play neighborhood two-hand touch and the occasional tackle football, though, and this experience somehow made me certain that the Eagles would be able to defeat the Raiders.

I lost 50 cents that year, and parting with two quarters was very painful. I didn't learn my lesson and hoped to recoup my money the following year. In hindsight, betting that Joe Montana would be bested by Ken Anderson (who?) was about as foolish as picking Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan in the NBA draft. (See? I know sports!)

The following year, in sixth grade, I was telling a classmate that I expected the Dolphins to easy handle the Redskins. A bet was about to me made — for a full dollar — when a few other guys overheard me and offered to place a similar bet. I expected to walk away with their money, but alas, that ass John Riggins ran for a million yards, and the game was never close.

The worst part of my Super Bowl experience was breaking the news to my dad that I didn't have the six bucks to cover my bets. He reluctantly gave me the money, and the only thing worse than that was giving the money to a bunch of guys that I knew wouldn't have paid me back had I won the bet.

But, as I've been told, you live and learn. I never bet on a sporting event again.