"A versatile calendar of labour."

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

There are a number of things in this world that don't bother me at all, things that would clearly bother the average person. (I can't think of any examples right now, but just bear with me.) And then there are the things that really stick in my craw, more than they'd probably stick in your craw.

(Incidentally, have you had your craw checked lately? I think April is National Craw Awareness Month.)

Two unavoidable facts of life with which I have yet to be at peace are certain Facebook ads and certain spam e-mails.

Some spam I understand. I don't approve of it, but I get the point of trying to trick me into thinking I have a FedEx package waiting, or why you'd try to fool me into entering my bank account info onto a page that looks exactly like but in fact is not the homepage for Bank of America, even if I've never banked at Bank of America.

And then there's the spam that annoys me because the e-mail is so amateur, so moronic, that my intelligence is insulted because it's as if the spammers aren't even trying anymore.

Certainly, I am definitely not the smartest person in the world, as I've proven time and again, but...

...I suppose that there are people who could fall for these primitive scans.

A BRIEF DIGRESSION THAT WILL PROVE THIS POINT

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

There's a parking problem where I work, and after around 9am there are parking attendants who park the post-9am vehicles wherever they can fit. I went out to my car at the end of my day yesterday, and I told the attendant that one of the two valet-parked cars were blocking my car, which I'd parked in a legitimate spot when I arrived at 8:30.

The guy was like, No problem. He looked like a guy with average intelligence — "smarter than a typical car valet parking guy" was my initial thought, as I realize now that I don't really know what the intelligence level for the average valet is supposed to be. Let's just say I'd thought maybe he was a college student who was studying, I don't know, earth science or accounting while waiting in his own car for someone to need his assistance.

I started my own car and waited outside of it so I can do that "Thanks very much" thing when he opens the door of the blocking car, rather than sit in my own car like I was better than him somehow. After an uncomfortably long time of not-car-opening, he turns to me and goes, "It's not opening."

As I was mentally rehearsing my "You're not gonna believe this" phone call to Mrs. The Anthony Show, I walked over to see if I could help. I didn't think I could, since this guy's probably unlocked more cars today than I ever have in a lifetime, but then I noticed he was pressing a key fob with a Mercedes logo.

"This car's a GMC," I said to the guy.

"Yeah? This is the key they gave me." He wasn't defensive, just matter-of-fact about it, like when my then-2-year-old would try to cram the square peg into the round hole and note, "No fit."

He kept pressing some button on the fob and I asked if I could see his ring of keys. I noticed there were only two sets of keys on his ring, and one of them had a GMC logo.

"Uhh," I said with the patience one would use to not alarm someone who fell in a lake that he is wet, "GMC?"

"Huh," he grunted, and started up the GMC. The GMC that was parked behind the Mercedes.

As I drove away I realized that he's probably not a college student (though after watching the future of America on Campus PD, he very well could be), and he might fall for some of the spam I laugh/rage at.

WHICH BRINGS ME TO

Better than spam.

One of the variations of spam that's near the top of my shitlist is the pseudo job offering. I usually get flooded with these after I make a slight change of my resume on a site like Monster, which somehow triggers all the spammers like ants if you dropped the cookie part of a Carvel Flying Saucer next to an anthill.

Most of these spam e-mails purport to offer you a "management" job thanks to your awesome background, even though you never claimed to have experience selling insurance or real estate or snake oil. They're the equivalent of those classified want-ads that seek "management trainees" even though the only thing you'll be managing is commission-only revenue from cold-calling angry folks like me who might inadvertently curse you out.

But at least these scumbags appear to have a real position for you, as scumbaggy as it might be. And the e-mail authors at least write in English that most native speakers of English would understand.

"WITH BENEFITS" (WINK WINK)

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

Which brings me to this:

Good day !

Our HR Manager have seen your information in occupation hunting site. We surmise, that you are the perfect contender for our trade with benefits.
The extent of salary is $500 per week. A versatile calendar of labour.

The principal demands:

•    Mature, vocal
•    Have computer, use MS Word
•    National of United States of America
•    Fully developed
•    At our disposal by telephone and by e-mail
•    Have 2-3 hours unencumbered per day, the fluctuating hours, a possibility to unify with the other occupation.


If you are interested by our proposition, answer by e-mail to this letter.

I mean, really. If you approached people on the street and recited the contents of this letter as written, they'd think you were either having a stroke or an alien in human form trying to recruit for telemarketers for the planet Ksha'a'a'rråöäörg.

My favorite line is definitely "A versatile calendar of labour." Next time I'm in a job interview, I'll note that "my salary requirements are negotiable, but I must insist on a versatile calendar of labour!" (And I'll pronounce the word lab-our, so they know I'm talking about labour not labor.)

Then again, I could be a good fit. After all, I am mature and vocal. Except when I've been drinking, in which case the scale tips away from the "mature" part and more toward the "vocal." The next two bullets are in the bag, and I think I'm fully developed. Probably over-developed, which is why I gotta shed them pounds. "At our disposal" sounds pretty diabolical, though, and I haven't had "2-3 hours unencumbered" since 1994. I would relish the opportunity to "unify with the other occupation," depending on what the "other occupation" is.

Sadly, the more I think about my career, maybe being "the perfect contender for our trade" is a step in the right direction for me. After all, my calendar of labour could use a little more versatility.

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.

Spam itself isn't as annoying
as the repetition of spam.