Something I Wrote, Part 1: "The Eye Has It" Comedy Sketch

I never actually broke a leg, or
any bones, for that matter.

It's been a while since I've shared examples of the great many works of writing that I have either abandoned or maintain in a state of suspended animation. I thought it would be an unsolicited change of pace to post examples of the work I actually completed.

I've done a good deal of sketch-comedy writing and performing, and some of my most rewarding moments in life involve performing my own work on stage for laughs. Since the kids showed up I haven't been able to do much on the sketch front, and in many cases sketch comedy seems to be a young-person-who-lives-in-the-city's game, but I hope someday to get back into it.

What follows is an example of one of my sketches. The way it ends is not very easy to stage, so I've performed it with a slightly different ending, which really doesn't make an overall difference.

(Pardon the formatting; I'm too lazy to deal with all the HTML-ing to make it look like a real script.)

THE EYE HAS IT

INT. -- A PAROLE BOARD HEARING
A PRISONER and his LAWYER are seated here.

LAWYER
For the eighth time, I'll be representing you at this parole hearing. Honestly, though, I don't think parole is gonna happen.

PRISONER
But I've had so much good behavior since my last parole hearing.

LAWYER
It's what's happens between your stretches of good behavior that concerns me.

PRISONER
Such as?

LAWYER
Well, like, the stabbing.

PRISONER
(curious)
Which one?

LAWYER
Your cellmate.

PRISONER
Which one?

LAWYER
The one you stabbed this morning. In the eye.

PRISONER
Oh. Self-defense.

LAWYER
You tied him up while he was sleeping, and announced loud enough for the whole prison to hear: "I hear a voice in my head telling me to stab my other cellmate in the eye."

(During the "I hear..." part, the Prisoner stands up and lip-synchs the announcement as the Lawyer recites it.)

PRISONER
With his violent past, it was a matter of time before he tried to kill me!

LAWYER
(calmly)
He's in jail for shoplifting mittens. You're in jail for stabbing people in the eye. In the recreation room, you stabbed a fellow inmate in the eye while playing chess.

PRISONER
(making a stabbing motion on "rook")
Bishop takes rook. Hello?

LAWYER
And on visiting day, you stabbed your own brother in the eye.

PRISONER
That's not true. He's my half-brother.

LAWYER
Now he's half-blind. You have no compassion!

PRISONER
That's unfair. I once found a bird with a broken wing in the prison yard and I nursed it back to health.

LAWYER
(surprised)
Really? And you didn't stab it in the eye?

PRISONER
Oh, I stabbed it in the eye.

LAWYER
They are not going to release you if they think anyone you meet is going to get stabbed in the eye.

PRISONER
Hmm. Well, I haven't stabbed you in the eye.

LAWYER
True.

PRISONER
Can I borrow your pen?

LAWYER
No. What am I supposed to tell the parole board?

PRISONER
I can say I lost the thrill of stabbing people in the eye.

LAWYER
(interested)
Go on...

PRISONER
From now on, I'm just gonna poke people in the eye.

LAWYER
No.

PRISONER
I could stab somewhere else...

LAWYER
No!

PRISONER
Okay, then I got nothing.

LAWYER
I don't why I even ask you. I'll just beg for mercy, as always.

Three MEMBERS OF THE PAROLE BOARD enter. Two are wearing an eye patch. One is wearing two eye-patches. They see (as best they can) who the prisoner is and before they even sit down they say:

ALL THREE BOARD MEMBERS
Parole denied.

THE END