In Praise of Young White 1990s TV Stars Who Tried to Rap

Possible inspiration.

I don't know if praise is the right word, but the headline is long enough without having to say "Wow, I can't believe these actors from popular shows in the 1990s attempted hip-hop careers even though the casual observer would likely think it's not a good idea."

Well, I can't believe these actors from popular shows in the 1990s attempted hip-hop careers even though the casual observer would likely think it's not a good idea.

And, uh, wow.

Crossing over from one entertainment genre to another is as old as entertainment itself. I'm sure Sophocles considered himself a very good tap dancer, but the Athenians had banned all sorts of soft-shoe, so he worked out his frustrations in his play-writing, which is how Oedipus the King went on to inspire Footloose, which has an unfilmed scene where Kevin Bacon kills Dennis Quaid to sleep with Julianne Hough, and I know none of that makes sense because I saw neither the 1984 film nor last year's remake so bear with me here.



IT'S COSMO'S MOONLIGHTING!
Anyway, some entertainers are more successful than others at these crossovers. I remember think, when Cher released an album shortly after she won the Oscar for Moonstruck, "Who does this actress think she is?," all the while forgetting that she was actually a singer before she became a movie star. (That's how good she was in Moonstruck, and you ought to see it, by the way.)

Back before Bruce Willis lost all his hair in his deal with Satan to break out of TV and become a major movie star, The Guy From Moonlighting (this is in 1987, before the first Die Hard) released The Return of Bruno, which Wikipedia calls "an eclectic gathering of R&B music."

I could go on and on about various actors who released albums, but I'll focus on two from the 1990s. (For others, you can read this article called "8 Albums Joaquin Phoenix Should Have Listened To Before Announcing His Retirement From Acting.")

BUD BUNDY INDAHOUSE!
I was never much of a fan of Married With Children. I was neither married nor with children, and yes, Christina Applegate was hot, but I found the show extremely depressing. I'm sure if I watched it now, now that I'm both married and with children, it might be like staring into a funhouse mirror. Anyway, it's probably not surprising that David Faustino never reached the post-Married success of his co-stars, but it's not hard to feel bad for him, in a way, if only because he was never allowed to date Christina Applegate because people would act like he was dating his sister and be really grossed out even though they're not real siblings.

Around midnight last night I was winding down my day browsing Wikipedia and on the David Faustino page I found this little nugget:

Faustino owns a night club in Los Angeles named Balistyx, which is the same name as his rap album.

Talk about burying the lede! How was I unaware of this?

(Balistyx the club is apparently closed, though its memories live on in a Facebook page that also promotes Faustino's other recording ventures.)

So anyway, Balistyx, a word that hurts my fingers when I try to type it correctly, was released in 1992, which is during the era when rap music started to go more mainstream, but before every other song on the radio contained hip-hop beats or some kind of rap interlude. Here's the only track I could find. (Note: I spent a total of ten seconds looking for Balistyx tracks.)

On the surface this thing seems so, so wrong, but I actually applaud (well, not applaud; I'm not actually clapping or anything) his earnestness and honesty. This was clearly a suitable song for hip-hop, circa 1992.

9021WTF
Meanwhile, the other fellow I'm spotlighting is Brian Austin Green, aka Mr. Megan Fox, aka the guy who slept with Tori Spelling in Beverly Hills 90210. That the Notorious BAG released a hip-hop album didn't surprise me because the few times I watched this show, his character was always trying to do something MC-ish, kind of like how Malcom Jamaal-Warner was allowed to indulge his hip-hop tastes on The Cosby Show every now and then.

The Brian Austin Green album, which is technically just a Brian Green album because he dropped the middle name for it, is one that I actually listened to during its release period. Back when Tower Records existed as a brick-and-mortar concern, the wife and I used to go to the store in Huntington and listen to some of the CDs that were available for preview. (In Now I Feel Really Old, this was really the only way to experience new music that wasn't on mainstream radio.)


I was scanning the selections of new music (new for 1996) when I saw this:

Sad clown.

There was no way I could ignore this. I affixed the cushioned headphones to my skull and absorbed the madness that is Brian Austin Green hip-hop:

I should note that this album is produced by a member of the Pharcyde, which is why Brian Austin Green sounds exactly like a member of the Pharcyde and the song sounds exactly like a track by the Pharcyde. If you never heard of The Pharcyde (I wasn't much into somewhat alternative West Coast rap back in '96), you would probably be wondering what the hell was wrong with his voice.

I'd thought maybe he was trying out a ka-razy character like Humpty Hump, but Green sounded like this on the entire album.

Sure, I'd love to have, say, Cee Lo Green produce my not-yet-finished hip-hop album, but I certainly wouldn't be delivering my lines like Cee Lo Green!

AND IN CONCLUSION
So that's this post. On my other blog that discusses reviews from Robert Christgau who calls himself the Dean of American Rock Critics, I'll discuss one of the greatest/worst albums of all time by an actor who, like Bruce Willis, delivered an album during of his heights of his fame but makes The Return of Bruno sound like Sgt. Pepper.

That man is Burt Reynolds. Stay tuned!