I'm Going to Need Douchebag Insurance

I am already bored into rigor mortis.

I subscribe to the notion that even if you're completely satisfied in your current state of employment — and if you are, I hate you but would like to have to forward my resume to the HR department  — it never hurts to keep your resume up-to-date and ready in the event you hear about that dream job earning six figures alternating playing the Grand Theft Auto franchise, testing the deliciousness of various chocolate desserts, and rating the skills of very attractive masseuses.

Well, a guy can dream. That's why I uploaded my most recent resumes to Monster and Careerbuilder the other day.

The good thing about these sites is that new resumes alert employers who can scan your resume and get in touch with you about jobs that you didn't know were available.

The bad thing about these sites is that new resumes alert employers who can scan your resume and get in touch with you about jobs that you didn't know were available. I will explain.


Thus far, since updating my resume, I have received five e-mails in response. Here are the subject lines: guess which ones are for bullshit jobs?

1. Are you ready for your last career move?
2. Your resume
3. I reviewed your resume and would like to schedule an interview with you
4. Financial Advisor Career at New York Life
5. Career Opportunity - Let's Schedule a Meeting

If you answered "all of the above," then you probably wouldn't want to work an an insurance/financial sales rep, which is basically what all these jobs are for.

NOTHING IN MY RESUME IS REMOTELY RELATED TO SALES
In fact, you could look at my resume and assume I was agoraphobic. But somehow, these five recruiter-people looked at my resume and thought, "This is the guy I want representing our corporation. He fixes words for a living, so he'd be perfect to cold-call people and offer them financial services they likely do not want."

Here's an example, from letter (A):

Aflac is looking for success-driven individuals with entrepreneurial flair to learn more about a business to business sales position that offers [list of bullshitty things including] having the freedom and fulfillment of owning your own business, without actually doing so."

I always wanted to enjoy the perks of owning my own business, but I never wanted to deal with all the crap involved with actually owning one, like buying my employees health insurance and hiring scabs when those ungrateful bastards go on strike.

The e-mail, like the others, requests that I attend an "interview," which is actually a meeting that will likely be attended by a bunch of other guys, to sell me on plunging into a sales career for which I lack the skills or the interest.

SUBJECT LINE: YOU ARE A MORON
I have to give credit to the "Financial Advisor Career at New York Life" sender because at least there wasn't any ambiguity in the subject line. "I reviewed your resume..." is nonsense, because if the woman who wrote the letter really did review my resume, she'd realize that I would cause Combined Insurance, which I've never heard of though I'm no expert on all the insurance companies out there but on the other hand I think I know what all the major ones are, complete and total bankruptcy.

A curious part of the e-mail concludes with "If you are interested, please hit reply or email me back at [woman's e-mail address, the same address that the e-mail came from]."

If I have to be told to hit the reply button, am I the kind of person you'd want to selling your insurance?

Then again, perhaps I am.