Something I Wrote, Part 1: "The Eye Has It" Comedy Sketch

I never actually broke a leg, or
any bones, for that matter.

It's been a while since I've shared examples of the great many works of writing that I have either abandoned or maintain in a state of suspended animation. I thought it would be an unsolicited change of pace to post examples of the work I actually completed.

I've done a good deal of sketch-comedy writing and performing, and some of my most rewarding moments in life involve performing my own work on stage for laughs. Since the kids showed up I haven't been able to do much on the sketch front, and in many cases sketch comedy seems to be a young-person-who-lives-in-the-city's game, but I hope someday to get back into it.

What follows is an example of one of my sketches. The way it ends is not very easy to stage, so I've performed it with a slightly different ending, which really doesn't make an overall difference.

Lists of Lists, Volume 3: Film Edition (Part 1 of Many)

Witness was actually just my second-
favorite Amish-themed movie. My
third-favorite: Churn My Butter.

Time for a bunch of lists. This set will demonstrate what a snob I am, as if you couldn't guess by now. (The fact that the title of this post says "film" instead of "movie" should also be a tip-off.)

I don't have as much time as I once had to watch all the movies I'd like to watch, and there are glaring holes in my viewing history. This is a shame, because with Netflix there are so many movies available instantly without the hassle of the video store.

Are you old enough to remember the video store? Or a VCR, for that matter? I remember when my parents bought our first VCR. Considering what late-adopters we were — my parents didn't subscribe to pay TV until I was in my thirties — I'm surprised this happened before 1990.

One of the first movies Dad rented (it might have been the first) was Witness, the Harrison-Ford-goes-undercover-as-an-Amish-barn-raiser crime thriller, so the first list for this post will be about that film.

The Video Podcast Regarding My Fighting Trilogy

BEHOLD!

And look at how weird I look in the thumbnail.

One Out of Three Ain't Bad (Or, My Fights, Round 3)

You're gonna need more pants.

I'd call this the "rubber match" post of the trilogy of posts regarding my notable pugilistic shenanigans, only to be a true rubber match, you need to have split the first two bouts with your opponent.

My first fight, in sixth grade, could at best be scored a technical draw or a no contest: though my opponent drew blood, the sight of said blood compelled him to end the fight prematurely.

My second fight, in ninth grade, was clearly a loss via technical knockout. I could argue that I was fighting well out of my weight class, but no one cares.

My third fight occurred during the following school year, and this time it happened in front of a very large audience. Does this intrigue you?

"Never Give Up" Is Not Always a Wise Adage (Or, My Fights, Round 2)

Actually, there
isshame in losing

If you remember, or even care, I'd mentioned that I'd been in a few major fights (note: "few" = "three"), one of which I'd already blogged about.

That scrum took place in sixth grade, and it contained only one punch, resulting in (my) bloody nose and the fight being halted by the freaked-out guy who landed it.

My next big brawl took place three years later. The changes between sixth grade and ninth grade include a few inches and a number of pounds, but that didn't help me because the guy I was fighting was not a sixth-grader himself, but a larger-than-average tenth grader.

Add to this the fact that I really had no motivation to fight this guy, and what we end up with is one of those Worst Day Of My Life days.

All right, then! Let's get to it!

On Turning 40, and Other Personal Problems

I outlived him.

Picking up where I'd been bitching and/or moaning, I turned 40 on Friday. As with most big events, I'd given the day a lot of thought for several months and had several ideas that would require several stages of planning, but then I stopped thinking about everything until a week before the big day and by then it was too late to do anything reasonable.

This chain of events also applies annually to:

• My anniversary
• My parents' anniversary
• My parents' birthdays
• Any family gathering I choose to host
• Mrs. The Anthony Show's birthday

You get the idea. In the case of my birthday, I sort of froze up when it came to major plans because I was hamstrung by the limits in funds and time. Had either of those elements been — not unlimited, but let's say less limited — things could have been a little different.

I must also note that for many years leading up to numero cuarenta, I had this hopeful assumption regarding my place in the universe, which would have a heavy influence on how I would celebrate this milestone.

What would that be like, you ask? Well...

ANOTHER VIDEO PODCAST HOLY CROW

Yes, wow, I did a podcast ON VIDEO about today's post. Yes, wow.